What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
