At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.