She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
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I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram