you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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