it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
