Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Randomize
