no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
