Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
