I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Randomize