I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
