I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
