I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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