Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
