he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
how do you play pong handcuffed?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
