My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
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No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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