how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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