I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
