My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
