What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
