I got chris browned last night
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
