That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
