walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
