i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
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Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
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You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
How naked do you want me to be?
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