On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
