Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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