Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
