Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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