Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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