just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
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I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
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Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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