He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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