there was a trapeze. enough said
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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