it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
