I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
