The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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