had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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