sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
