i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
