Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
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I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
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