I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
