sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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