the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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