you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
