8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
