Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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