The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
