I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
