I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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