Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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