I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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