You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
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she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
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Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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