So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
