Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Success! We fucked roommates!
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
