i already hear my dad disowning me
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
