My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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