my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
